Nappy Naples

The Cool Kids in Front of Mt. Vesuvius at Pompeii

So I stayed in Rome for the second straight weekend with the exception of Saturday when we ventured south into the loins of Italy -- Napoli (or as you Americans call it, Naples). There wasn't much driving my trip besides the allure of Pompeii, located about 30 minutes outside Naple's Metro station. It was quite the journey first trying to get to Roma's Termini station, then to Napoli, then to Pompeii, and finally to the ruins...

Everywhere I've gone so far, I've taken it upon myself to be the self-proclaimed tour guide/hero who enjoys reading up on the history and glamour of the sites we are visiting; and I wasn't going to let this trip be any different. Well, actually, that's exactly what I did, so I'm lying to you. But hey my friend, once again I promise I always tell the truth. I fingered (gross, get your mind out of the gutter) through Rick Steve's Guide to Italy which really is a crock of shit. I guess he's some tool from a public television show, and subsequently he holds no credence for me (sorry, I was spoiled with uneducational cable shows).

Anywho, my good buddy Matt took the liberty of leading us through the ruins for a few hours; it was incredible! To see Mt. Vesuvius bearing down in the background of this ruined city was such a sight to see to say the least (yay, alliteration!). We walked through the streets, alleys, homes, and lives of a city that once housed some 20,000 residents that was completely and utterly fucked (for lack of a better term). The residents had no clue that Vesuvius was a volcano; and around noon on August 24th of 79 A.D. -- they found out the hard way. For 18 hours straight, Vesuvius shot ash 12 miles into the air that rained down like a plague from God. It was during those 18 fateful hours that 2,000 of the residents were trapped in 8 feet of ash before being covered in the hot mud and lava that raced down the mountainside at 100 miles per hour. Enough of the history lesson though because you pretty much know the rest...

I swear I didn't feel this way while I was there, but now when I am telling you all this, I can't begin to comprehend the ferocity of such a tragic event. Visiting Pompeii was a very moving trip, and I hope you all get the chance to experience the same.

On a lighter note, I did find out that Pompeii-ans (?) were f-ing sex fiends. You think "sex sells" is a new phenomenon? Bullshit, retard. Pompeii had around some 30 brothels for it's mere 20,000 residents. Do the math -- that's a lot of s.e.x. Don't worry though! Because I know what you're thinking: "Joe, I'm sure they were devasted with the rest of the city, right?" And I will say to you, "NAY! They were so adored that even the pictures on the wall were preserved, not to mention all the beds in the rooms!" I'm not even joking. When I walked into the humble 5 room brothel, I immediately noticed the glass plates protecting pictures of men and women (I hope) engaging in different sex acts. So not only were Pompeiians nymphos, but they invented the f-ing VALUE MENU of sex. Splendid.

So the rest of Pompeii was really, really cool et cetera, et cetera...

What amazed me the most, besides Pompeii of course, was the condition Napoli is in. Much to my chagrin, Rick Steves did inform me a bit about Napoli holding the title for the most densely populated city in Italy, as well as it being of the dirtiest, crime ridden cities in all of Europe (it's pretty much the birthplace of the mafia). Oh, that would have been nice to know if I hadn't been reading it as I was entering the trainstation in Napoli. Besides graffiti and garbage strewn about everywhere your eye wanders, there were stray dogs roaming the streets like tumbleweeds in the western frontier. We even had one follow us around Pompeii (we named him Monkey); and had it not been for another stray to catch his attention, he would have followed us on the train back to Napoli.

It's been wild to see the differences in regions, cities, and towns all throughout Italy and Europe so far. Napoli definitely takes the cake, though, by being the dirtiest. But you know what? Napoli is also the birthplace of pizza (which I heart) AND the reason to the song "That's Amore." So I guess I'll cut you a deal, Napoli. You're not that bad when all is said and done. After all, when the moon hit's my eye like a big pizza pie...without you, I don't know what amore would be like.

The Pope is Dope

So sue me -- I forgot to tell you about the papal audience we attended a few weeks ago. Rats.

Ok, so it was pretty f-ing cool; whether you are Catholic, Buddhist, or overweight, I think it's pretty impressive to see the leader of an entire religion. It was an early, rainy morning over Roma...

...that's pretty much it. I wish I could tell you something really, really exciting that happened, but to be perfectly honest -- I wasn't terribly impressed. Almost let down, even. We sat in a large auditorium for about two hours, eagerly anticipating the arrival of the successor of St. Peter. Bands were playing, flags were flying, cheers evolved from mere whispers amongst friends to cries of excitement as the Swiss guards positioned themselves for the entrance of Benedict XVI. It was quite the experience, don't get me wrong; but once the Holy Father sat on his holy throne, it more or less turned into a global shout-out hour. Different priests/bishops/dudes in black robes would then take turns speaking in their native tongue while addressing the Pope (and the audience). They pretty much just said "...blah blah blah, pray for us Pope."

Now don't get me wrong, I do revere the Pope and Roman Catholicism (Fr. Murphy taught me so); but I think the coolest part was after everyone had their shout-out, and we all joined in to say the Our Father in Latin. I have never taken Latin, so I mispronounced the whole prayer in its entirety, but that's beside the point. The point is, ladies and gents, that in almost half-perfect harmony...the Pope and I shared a moment. I could see the twinkle in his eye, a tear slowly caress his cheek, and a faint smile only an aging clown could discover. He then proceeded to give us his holy blessing, and give some face-time to the lucky front row fans. (It was total bullshit; we were in the nosebleeds. Whatever happened to the first shall be last, and the last shall be first? Huh, Ben?! Never heard that one before?!!!) I'm not bitter, though, because I know when all is said and done that St. Peter will call my name. And maybe then Joseph Ratzinger will be one person ahead of me, and I'll just have to cut him in line...

Interlaken Skydiving Videos

The Cool Kids in Interlaken, Switzerland

After many of you probably thought I was full of shit once you read that I went skydiving over the Swiss Alps, I've decided to prove it. Honestly, I don't believe half the shit I say too -- so I'm not offended. I have this whole thing about saying things I don't mean; I'm sure it's not a problem though, so don't worry whenever I talk to you. I promise I always tell the truth.

The first video is from the helicopter ride up while I'm sitting on Roland's (the instructor/hero) lap. I was in the chopper with him, a girl from Florence, and her instructor who is videotaping her terrifying ride. I wasn't terribly afraid while I was riding up with the only exception that I had no fucking clue what I was about to do. I tried asking Roland questions the entire time because I was overhearing the other instructor rattle off about 29 different rules to the other girl about to jump. Roland took it upon himself to keep his mouth shut though, until approximately thirty seconds before the door opened and he maneuvered his (and ultimately my own) way to the small platform/footrail outside the bird. Thanks for the help, Roland!

The free fall is not possible to explain; words will never do it justice. People on the ground were trying to be cute and assure me of their plan to sing "Free Fallin'" the entire time they were doing so, but in reality you don't have time to think. The only thing you have time for is soiling yourself. It is quite possibly the most epic thing I have done in my life (not the soilage, but the act of skydiving; though I'm sure I've done the former enough for the both of us). I have told you all how bad I am with heights, and this was a downright bitchsmack to the whole elevation community for the conquering of my fear.

You freefall for a supposed 45-50 seconds, but it felt like 2. It was there and done with in the blink of an eye, but I know it will always last a lifetime. I was fortunate enough to be able to pull out my camera after the freefall when our chute decided to pay us a visit; and then I recorded the entire ride down through the landing. I really hope you all enjoy the videos, and my commentary along with it. I was talking the whole time, but I'm sure you are all very happy you can barely hear most of my schoolgirl screams. You want to know what your quintessential college white boy sounds like when he skydives? Turn up your speakers, ladies and gents, sit back, and enjoy...