Nappy Naples

The Cool Kids in Front of Mt. Vesuvius at Pompeii

So I stayed in Rome for the second straight weekend with the exception of Saturday when we ventured south into the loins of Italy -- Napoli (or as you Americans call it, Naples). There wasn't much driving my trip besides the allure of Pompeii, located about 30 minutes outside Naple's Metro station. It was quite the journey first trying to get to Roma's Termini station, then to Napoli, then to Pompeii, and finally to the ruins...

Everywhere I've gone so far, I've taken it upon myself to be the self-proclaimed tour guide/hero who enjoys reading up on the history and glamour of the sites we are visiting; and I wasn't going to let this trip be any different. Well, actually, that's exactly what I did, so I'm lying to you. But hey my friend, once again I promise I always tell the truth. I fingered (gross, get your mind out of the gutter) through Rick Steve's Guide to Italy which really is a crock of shit. I guess he's some tool from a public television show, and subsequently he holds no credence for me (sorry, I was spoiled with uneducational cable shows).

Anywho, my good buddy Matt took the liberty of leading us through the ruins for a few hours; it was incredible! To see Mt. Vesuvius bearing down in the background of this ruined city was such a sight to see to say the least (yay, alliteration!). We walked through the streets, alleys, homes, and lives of a city that once housed some 20,000 residents that was completely and utterly fucked (for lack of a better term). The residents had no clue that Vesuvius was a volcano; and around noon on August 24th of 79 A.D. -- they found out the hard way. For 18 hours straight, Vesuvius shot ash 12 miles into the air that rained down like a plague from God. It was during those 18 fateful hours that 2,000 of the residents were trapped in 8 feet of ash before being covered in the hot mud and lava that raced down the mountainside at 100 miles per hour. Enough of the history lesson though because you pretty much know the rest...

I swear I didn't feel this way while I was there, but now when I am telling you all this, I can't begin to comprehend the ferocity of such a tragic event. Visiting Pompeii was a very moving trip, and I hope you all get the chance to experience the same.

On a lighter note, I did find out that Pompeii-ans (?) were f-ing sex fiends. You think "sex sells" is a new phenomenon? Bullshit, retard. Pompeii had around some 30 brothels for it's mere 20,000 residents. Do the math -- that's a lot of s.e.x. Don't worry though! Because I know what you're thinking: "Joe, I'm sure they were devasted with the rest of the city, right?" And I will say to you, "NAY! They were so adored that even the pictures on the wall were preserved, not to mention all the beds in the rooms!" I'm not even joking. When I walked into the humble 5 room brothel, I immediately noticed the glass plates protecting pictures of men and women (I hope) engaging in different sex acts. So not only were Pompeiians nymphos, but they invented the f-ing VALUE MENU of sex. Splendid.

So the rest of Pompeii was really, really cool et cetera, et cetera...

What amazed me the most, besides Pompeii of course, was the condition Napoli is in. Much to my chagrin, Rick Steves did inform me a bit about Napoli holding the title for the most densely populated city in Italy, as well as it being of the dirtiest, crime ridden cities in all of Europe (it's pretty much the birthplace of the mafia). Oh, that would have been nice to know if I hadn't been reading it as I was entering the trainstation in Napoli. Besides graffiti and garbage strewn about everywhere your eye wanders, there were stray dogs roaming the streets like tumbleweeds in the western frontier. We even had one follow us around Pompeii (we named him Monkey); and had it not been for another stray to catch his attention, he would have followed us on the train back to Napoli.

It's been wild to see the differences in regions, cities, and towns all throughout Italy and Europe so far. Napoli definitely takes the cake, though, by being the dirtiest. But you know what? Napoli is also the birthplace of pizza (which I heart) AND the reason to the song "That's Amore." So I guess I'll cut you a deal, Napoli. You're not that bad when all is said and done. After all, when the moon hit's my eye like a big pizza pie...without you, I don't know what amore would be like.